Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
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me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*