Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

what do you want!!!!!!!!

not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.