Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

Good morning

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it

Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

worst…sale…ever

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.