Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
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sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
is he marrying that labradoodle
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
