Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase