Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:

the three branches of government

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.

#StormAshley

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

5yo: I made this for you.

Me: How nice! Um…what is it?

5yo: I was hoping you’d know.