Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

Normal stickers: I peel off easy.

Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.

For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

What do whales do on a date?

Net flicks and krill.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3