WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
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I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.