Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love the National Park Service.

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.

Smallpox sounds so adorable

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”

Lambs: “Baaaa!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”

Lambs: “…”

Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

Who’s drunk

*raises leg

Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.