Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

[coffee shop]

BARISTA: may i help you?

GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash

JERY: crypto?

GERGE: crypto

JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!

GERG: I did! but then it dipped again

JERY: it double dipped?

GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more

DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

God: you’re a mosquito.

Mosquito: what does that mean?

God: you feed on blood.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire?

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: you can fly.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire!

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: garlic repels you.

Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.