wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
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Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
when revenge coincides with naptime
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I love wikipedia
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.