me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
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God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.