Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.

Krampus.

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

three things we don’t talk about

i’m sure it’s fine

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.