wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
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2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
