Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW

– alcohol

I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Jurassic park gets weird

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad