wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
You Might Also Like
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Said the murderer.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it