Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.

Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”

“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*