Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
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If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Mornin
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.