Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
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One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
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I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
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If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
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Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is