Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
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*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh