Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
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Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.