Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis

Interview Tip #3

speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself

[later]

Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?

Me: *confidently* nothing