Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

WIFE: you probably need a shower

KID: why? how do I smell?

ME: *without looking up* with your nose

[ no-look high five from WIFE ]

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.