Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”

A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.