Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

😂

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

WHY?!

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.