Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

scares

Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

I have written yet another poem about laundry

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.

I Can’t Tonight…

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle

The jungle: please stop bringing people here

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

I want what they have

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?