Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
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*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.