Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
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These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?