Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
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Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card