Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”

“maroon 5”

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.

Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason