As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
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WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.