*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
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there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking