@Andee_Stewart

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

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@murrman5

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

@sarah1mc

I’m just a speedboat and a machine gun away from becoming a pirate.

@BadMikeyBad

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

@meganamram

Fun fact: Peanut butter also sticks to the roof of your ex-husband’s BMW

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies

@DonnaBW4

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

@form52

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

@TweetPotato314

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird