“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
*eats Milky Way*
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Fun fact: Peanut butter also sticks to the roof of your ex-husband’s BMW
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
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Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird