*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

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“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first


I’m just a speedboat and a machine gun away from becoming a pirate.


OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here


Fun fact: Peanut butter also sticks to the roof of your ex-husband’s BMW


WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies


If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢


I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay


Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird