*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
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Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I identify as an antique shop.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.