<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
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Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Oh deer
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.