<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
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No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
My dream car is a taco truck.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids: