<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
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[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station