WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
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Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
New menu item
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed