WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
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I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.