Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?

Me: I did not know that.

6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.