WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
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One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
worst…sale…ever
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.