WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
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Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Are we there yet?…
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”