Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”

– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.