[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
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They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
No regrets in 2018
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse