@Book_Krazy

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

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@SexyInsomniac

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

@JWilsonGA

I don’t know what “swag” is, but I was just told Justin Bieber & Lil Wayne both claim to have it. So, I’m assuming it’s not talent.

@cravin4

No that’s not popcorn popping, it’s just the way my body sounds when I stand up.

@PhilJamesson

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

@YourAnMoron

You’d think a dude named Captain Crunch would have amazing abs.

@ProZD

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

@Alex_Houseof308

My neighbor hates preparing food for his horses with his son, coz the boy always finds ways to mess things up.

So instead, he’ll ask the boy to polish his shoes to keep him busy, and then he’ll hurry to the stables to work. He makes hay while the son shines

@CoolCamel69

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

@mommajessiec

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]