[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
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*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.