[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
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Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.