Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
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me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
From Facebook just now…
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”