Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.

Okay

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…

Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.

Cool, but now I’m scared…

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao

Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds