War & Peace
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They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
pictures of spider-man
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”