War & Peace
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What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.