War & Peace
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The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*