Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?

I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.

[Hospital]

Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition

*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)