War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
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Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
2023 was just a warmup
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.