Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

Batman trying to get some sleep during the day

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions