War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
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To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently