Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

I can’t stop laughing 🤣