Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

Interior design 👌

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”

me: I miss handshakes

cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when