War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
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Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.