Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”