Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.

Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.