Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

The game has officially changed 😎

When my husband says I don’t get out enough with the kids when they’re off school in the summer, I like to remind him it’s called being a stay-at-home mom and not a leave-the-house mom.

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

About to go for a run, because shoplifting

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and