Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

Me: “Can you go back four slides?”

Bride: “To the wedding dress?”

Me: “No, the cheese plate.”

Me: Wipes tears.

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?

DAD: Wouldn’t be fair

SON: Why not?

DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.