WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
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Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Our lord and savoury.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…