Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

These are my roll models.

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

My dryer is celebrating lint.

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

Me: you’re leaving me?

Her: [walking out]

Me: is it all of my-

Her:

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses

Me:

Her:

Me: -dramatic pauses?

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

Google reviews are always so mixed..