WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
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*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Still cracks me up