Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beauty and the Beast

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

life lately

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?

God: Yes

Raccoon: Comical?

God: *chuckles* Yes

Raccoon: Would make a great pet?

God: Oh my yes

Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!

God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda

It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.