Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.

Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?

Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?

tree: morning

me: oh hey

tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro

me: [exhales on tree]

tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

💀

“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy

smh

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it

Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”