Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
You Might Also Like
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!