Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

🤣🤣

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

[holding an acorn]

“do you still love me?”

Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”

“Shaddup you!”

Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds