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went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Who says great literature is dead?
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.