Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

when a toddler tells a story

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

Roses are red
Violets are blue

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

[commercial for rakes]

“Are u tired of eating leaves?”

Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

CRYING

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

*lint rolls you awake*