*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
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When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call