Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
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Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Mornin
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
it must be school picture day
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not