Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’d kill for your body.

Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…

Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…